You set the boundary. You stayed calm. You even validated their feelings.
And still, your child screamed, hit, or became an uncontrollable wet noodle.
Or, if they're teenagers, maybe you had to endure hearing how you're the worst, how everyone else's parents let them do whatever they want, and how they can't wait to just be done with this family!
So many parents ask me, “Is this gentle parenting thing actually working?”
It's an honest question that deserves some attention.
Gentle Parenting Is Not a Quick Fix
Social media often shows gentle parenting as a peaceful, mess-free experience. It makes you believe that simply by getting down to your child's level, nodding along, and validating the tough feelings, that the children suddenly snap out of it, say okay, and move right along without any struggle.
This is too Brady Bunch in my opinion, and it's just not how it works in real life.
The real application of gentle parenting is messy. It's repetitive. And it challenges every part of you.
When parents say “gentle parenting doesn’t work,” what they often mean is: “I did it a few times, and the behavior didn’t stop.” We judge the effectiveness of our parenting based on whether or not we can change behavior, thanks to Behavioral Psychology.
Here's what we cannot forget: effective parenting is not measured by how well you can fix or manage your child's behaviors. It's measured by the quality of the relationship you share with your kids.
We must unlearn the conditioned idea that our job as parents is to get poor behavior to stop. Instead, let's recognize that our job is to help our children understand cause and effect, build emotional intelligence, develop critical thinking skills, and become excellent problem-solvers. I lead a Conscious Parent Coaching Monthly Meet-Up inside the Conscious Mommy Community. Join me live for real-time coaching, guidance, and support twice a month, and bi-weekly classes with age-based topics that range from tantrums to back-talk to screens to inner child healing…and everything in-between. The recordings for all of my classes are saved within the membership, giving you unlimited access for as long as you're a member. Join us today!
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean no boundaries or consequences. It means teaching our children the skills they don't yet know from a place of compassion, not shame.
Why Gentle Parenting Might Feel Like It’s Not Working
If it feels like your child isn’t responding to your efforts, it may be because:
- You’re expecting emotional regulation before it’s developmentally appropriate.
- You're misinterpreting persistent behavior as defiance, instead of teaching your child crucial negotiation and collaboration skills.
- You're unknowingly relying on old scripts of control instead of attuned, active leadership.
When we don’t see results right away, our brains default to what’s familiar: yelling, punishments, or withdrawal. But those tactics create fear-based compliance...not the long-term emotional strength you’re trying to build.
What Gentle Parenting Is (And What It’s Not)
Gentle parenting is:
- Responsive, not reactive
- Rooted in understanding your child's developmental needs
- Focused on connection, supportive boundaries, and mutual respect
It’s not:
- Permissive or boundary-less
- A free pass for harmful behavior
- A fix-it-all technique that eliminates tantrums (or poor behavior) forever
In fact, when done well, gentle parenting often looks more strict than you might imagine. Technically speaking, this style of parenting falls under the Authoritative Parenting umbrella, first researched by clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s.
Dr. Baumrind found that children raised with the following qualities had a lively and happy disposition, believed in their ability to master tasks, were resilient in the face of challenges, and displayed well-developed emotional regulation and social skills:
- Warm with high standards
- Affirming with clear limits
- Collaborative and consistent
Additionally, further research supports that these children often go on to be independent, self-reliant, socially connected, academically successful, confident, caring, and high-achieving people.
Becoming an effective disciplinarian won't happen overnight. It takes repetition and patience. It also takes a great deal of self-control, which might be the hardest part of mastering gentle parenting.
You do not need to be a master to get started; you just need to take the first step. (My book, Parent Yourself First, is an incredibly helpful resource that teaches you how to become a great parent...even if you didn't have one.)
Here are some ideas to help make gentle parenting feel more successful in your home, whether you're just getting started with a new baby or you're managing all the things with your adolescent kids.
The Missing Piece: Your Regulation
Gentle parenting doesn’t “work” if we’re not regulating ourselves first.
Your child’s brain co-regulates with yours. When you’re chronically stressed or dysregulated, even the gentlest tools can fall flat.
This isn’t about being calm all the time, a message I blame on the intensive parenting that goes viral the most on social media.
Instead, I want you to focus your attention on increasing your capacity to notice your body’s signals, create more space between your impulse and reaction, and choose a response that matches your values.
The better you get at this, the more your child learns what emotional safety feels like.
Practical Ways to Make Gentle Parenting Work
1. Shift the Timeline
Stop expecting immediate change. Think in months or even years. Track your family's progress in micro-moments, like when your child pauses before reacting, or when you repair more quickly after yelling.
2. Look for the Good
Our brains have a negativity-bias as part of our survival systems. In other words, we are literally wired to look for what isn't working as a means to ensure we stay alive. This is helpful in other aspects of our lives, but when raising children, it really gets in the way. By actively searching for positive moments throughout your day, your love and affection will be more easily felt by your children. Kids respond positively to feeling loved and nurtured. On the flip side, they tend to react negatively to our anxiety, hypervigilance, frustration, or need for control.
3. Stay Consistent With Boundaries
Being gentle doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. We have to learn how to be comfortable with holding the feelings and holding the line. It means holding limits with warmth and clarity. “I won’t let you hit. I’m going to help you stay safe.”
4. Integrate Natural Consequences
Life experience is always the best teacher. If a toy is thrown, teach your child the proper way to play with the toy. And if they still can't get it? Then the toy goes away temporarily. This is not a punishment. This is to show your child that safety is a priority. You can say, "When you're able to play safely with the toy, we can try again. For now, here are toys that are safe for throwing." And then move along.
5. Drop the Performance
Parenting for an audience is really stressful. Remember: you're not parenting for your parent's approval...even if you feel like you still need them to affirm you. You also aren't parenting for your child's approval. You parent so that your children can gain the skills they need to live a full life. You don’t need to be perfect by any means. You just need to show up and try, especially when it’s hard.
6. Get Support
Gentle parenting can feel isolating when others don’t understand it. Being part of a supportive space like the Conscious Mommy Community gives you practical tools, deep insights, and true transformation to your family life.
Gentle Parenting When You Really Don’t Feel Like It
There are moments when you just don’t have it in you.
You’re touched out, maxed out, and running on fumes.
And the last thing you want to do is calmly narrate your child’s feelings.
That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your nervous system is over capacity.
Here’s what to do when you want to stay aligned with your parenting values but don’t feel emotionally available:
1. Narrate Your Limits Honestly
You can say:
“I want to help you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I’m going to take a few deep breaths and then I’ll come back.”
This models self-regulation without forcing yourself to override your own body.
2. Use Low-Energy Connection Tools
If you're too drained to talk it through, try:
- Sitting quietly next to your child
- Placing a hand gently on their back
- Making eye contact and nodding instead of speaking
These small cues still communicate presence and safety.
3. Set the Boundary and Walk Away (When Safe)
Sometimes the most loving thing is to step away instead of escalating:
“I’m not available to talk right now. I’ll be back when I’m calm.”
This prevents you from saying or doing something reactive you’ll later regret.
4. Repair Later
You don’t have to get it right in the moment. Circle back later and say,
“I was feeling burned out earlier and couldn’t show up how I wanted to.”
Doing so keeps the relationship intact and teaches accountability.
5. Build Micro-Moments of Restoration
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize even tiny breaks throughout the day (i.e.: a few slow breaths, stepping outside for two minutes, turning off the noise.) These aren’t luxuries that you have to earn. These are accessible tools to help make gentle parenting sustainable.
You're Invited
Join us LIVE inside the Conscious Mommy Community for our monthly Conscious Parent Coaching Meet-Up. Gain real-time support from Bryana and fellow parents as we integrate conscious parenting principles and practices into our everyday lives.
Never miss a new post. Sign up for the Conscious Connection and get our newsletter delivered to your inbox every week, as well.
Relevant Resources:
🔗 Mindful Parenting in Action Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
