You know that moment. Your child is melting down, you're in the middle of making dinner (or rushing out the door, or trying to answer one last email), and suddenly your heart is racing. Your jaw becomes clenched. Your eyes start rolling. Your thoughts spin: Why is this happening again? I can’t deal with this right now. What am I doing wrong? How do I get this to stop?!
You feel like a pressure cooker about to explode...because, let's be forreal...there is so much pressure on parents these days. Today's parents sacrifice basic needs like our inner peace, sleep, and social connections...and yet we still spend more time with our children compared to stay-at-home parents 40 years ago. While it's encouraging that we parents are dedicating more time to our children, it's essential to recognize the accompanying stress and challenges that go along with it.
If this sounds like your everyday reality, you’re not alone. These are the exact scenarios my clients have shared with me in private sessions and within the Conscious Mommy Community.
It's no wonder why so many parents are feeling anxious these days. You don't need to have an anxiety disorder to experience parental anxiety. You could just be struggling to feel calm in your body, or unsure what to do about your child's challenging behaviors. Sometimes that's all it takes to start worrying and overthinking everything.
When you’re parenting with anxiety, the most ordinary moments can feel very high stakes. This phenomenon has an evolutionary bias. Your nervous system is wired to constantly scan for danger. Except...the danger isn’t a tiger in the bushes. It’s your toddler’s tantrum in the car seat. It’s your kindergartener screaming, “You’re the worst mom ever!” It's your teenager reminding you of how completely irrelevant and uncool you are...as you watch them take risks that soar far beyond your personal comfort level.
It’s the looping fear that you’re somehow messing everything up.
And when you're in that state of stress, no amount of "parenting strategies" will work. You may have the perfect words, but they don't land. You may follow the simple 3-step formula, but it falls flat. Because underneath the behavior problems, underneath the tantrums and push-back, is one essential truth:
Your kids need you to regulate yourself so that you can co-regulate with them. Kids borrow your calm before they build their own.
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How Anxiety Shows Up in Parenting
Parenting anxiety can be subtle or all-consuming. It often looks like overthinking, second-guessing, feeling like you can never get it right. It’s staying up at night wondering if your child’s meltdowns are “normal,” or panicking because they threw their lunchbox and you’re sure it means something deeper.
It’s also in the day-to-day stuff:
- Snapping at your child when they don’t listen, then immediately feeling guilt and shame.
- Getting overwhelmed by messes, noise, or the unpredictable nature of kids.
- Worrying constantly about their future. Will they be okay? Will they need therapy? Am I doing this right?
These aren’t just personality quirks or "mom guilt." They're nervous system signals that I encourage you to pay attention to. If you're a parent in 2025, your body is probably stuck in a state of chronic dysregulation, often rooted in your own past experiences and unresolved stress.
When your nervous system is in overdrive, your child’s behavior doesn’t just feel irritating. It feels threatening. Like something you need to shut down fast in order to feel safe.
This is why understanding nervous system regulation is the most important parenting skill you may be missing.
Temper Tantrums Aren’t the Problem
Let’s talk about tantrums for a moment.
Temper tantrums are not evidence of bad behavior. They’re a developmental necessity. They’re how young children express frustration, fear, sadness, and confusion when they don’t yet have the words to articulate their often changing emotional states.
But for an anxious parent, tantrums can feel intolerable.
They trigger deep fears: My child is out of control. I can’t handle this. What's wrong with my kid? Or even, I’m failing.
What actually needs attention in those moments isn’t just your child’s outburst...but also the internal alarm bell ringing in you.
If you skip over your own experience, you’ll respond from reactivity: yelling, threatening, giving in, or shutting down. And this reinforces a pattern that leaves both of you feeling more disconnected and dysregulated over time.
The first thing to do when your child is melting down?
Notice what’s happening inside of you.
Are you clenching your jaw? Holding your breath? Spinning in worst-case thoughts?
Pause. Feel your feet. Breathe low and slow. Notice what feels okay, comfortable, pleasant, or neutral. This is your doorway to finding a more regulated response.
Why Nervous System Regulation Changes Everything
Nervous system regulation is not about being calm all the time. That’s unrealistic. But it is about developing the skill to return to calm more quickly, and to remain grounded...even when your child is losing it.
This is where dyadic regulation comes in.
In short: your nervous system influences your child’s nervous system. This is how co-regulation works.
When you stay connected to your own body, your child borrows your calm. When you’re grounded, they feel safer. When you speak low, slow, and gently - even if your child is screaming - they begin to sense that they are not alone in their chaos.
Over time, this teaches your child that big feelings are survivable. That it’s safe to feel without being shamed, rushed, or punished.
But you can’t offer this if your anxiety is running the show.
That’s why healing your nervous system is not just for you...it’s also a gift for your child.
Kids experience a parent's anxiety in different ways. They often feel like we're trying to control them, like we don't trust them, or like we're adding even more pressure to perform. This can be exhausting to interact with, which is why so many kids learn to either shut down or fight back with their anxious parent.
This doesn't mean that you're to blame for your child's behaviors. But...you are in charge of the ship. And you can steer the helm in whichever direction you choose.
By focusing on healing your nervous system, not only will you find inner peace, but you will stop parenting with so much anxiety, and instead will find confidence, clarity, and more connection than you ever imagined was possible. I've seen this happen with the thousands of different families I've worked with, both as a licensed psychotherapist and within the Conscious Mommy Community.
Here's some wisdom from my work that I'd like to share with you.
Practical Tools to Calm Your Anxiety and Regulate Your Child
Every family is different, but these strategies are consistently helpful when it comes to regulating both yourself and your child. Think of them as ways to reset the nervous system and move out of the reactive loop.
1. Let Them Borrow Your Calm
Start with you. Speak slowly. Breathe deeply. Say less. If you’re too activated to speak, sit quietly and make eye contact if it feels safe. A calm presence does more than a perfect script.
2. Repeat Back the Feeling
Reflect what you see: “You’re so upset right now.” “It’s hard when things don’t go your way.” This helps children feel seen, which softens their nervous system.
3. Use Touch...But Only if They Want It
Some children are comforted by a hug or back rub. Others need space. Follow their cues, and never force physical contact.
4. Bubble Breaths or Playful Redirection
For younger kids, blow bubbles together to slow breathing. Or offer a playful pivot: “Want to race to the other side of the room?” Movement helps regulate.
5. Create a Cozy Calm Corner
Fill it with soft pillows, sensory toys, paper and crayons, or fidget objects. It’s not a "time-out" corner. It's an intentional "time-in" space to safely explore emotions.
6. Draw the Feelings
Try a Gingerbread Feelings activity: draw an outline of a Gingerbread shape and let your child color where they feel big emotions. This builds emotional literacy and promotes regulation.
7. Stick to Routines
Consistent sleep, meals, and play are anchors for a developing nervous system. Predictability creates safety, and safety supports regulation.
8. Use Nature as a Co-Regulator
Walk outside together and name five things you see, four you can touch, three you hear, two you smell, one you taste. This brings awareness back into the body and out of panic.
9. Give Choices
Empower kids by offering structured choices: “Would you like to stomp your feet or tear paper?” Giving an outlet for energy makes them feel in control and supported.
10. Manage Screen Time
Screens can overstimulate some kids and dysregulate others. Balance screen time with nature, movement, creative play, or quiet time.
You’re Not Broken...Your Nervous System Is Just Stressed
Parenting anxiety is common, and it’s often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids. It means your system needs care, not criticism.
You may be carrying unresolved childhood wounds, mental health stress, or simply years of chronic overstimulation. These factors make regulation harder, but not impossible.
The good news? You can learn to calm your nervous system. You can practice presence. And with support, you can heal the inner chaos that makes parenting feel so hard.
Final Thoughts: Peace Is Possible
You don't have to keep living in fear of your child’s next tantrum. You don’t have to feel like you're failing every time they cry or scream. And you don’t have to be calm 100% of the time to be a good parent.
You just need the tools - and the support - to come back to calm, over and over again.
Healing your anxiety doesn’t happen overnight. But with patience, practice, and compassion, you can create a more peaceful inner world. And from there, you’ll raise kids who know what peace feels like in their bodies, too.
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Relevant Resources:
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