"Put that down, please." Toddler makes direct eye contact while gripping tighter
"It's time for bed." Toddler instantly transforms into a limp noodle on the floor
"Please get in the car seat." Toddler plants feet, arches back, grips the car door, and becomes completely immovable
Most toddlers assert independence, but strong-willed toddlers take it to another level. They don't just resist—they’re on a mission!
Their determination can be admirable...and absolutely exhausting.
With older children, we have a bit more opportunity to reason and explain. But with a pre-verbal toddler?
Reasoning isn't possible (or helpful).
How can it be, when a child can't tell you what they do want but knows precisely what they DON'T want?
Strong-willed toddlers aren't purposely being difficult to drive you crazy—even though, at times, it may certainly feel that way. They’re wired for intense independence, deep curiosity, and powerful emotions.
But with these all-out battles comes a blessing — strong-willed toddlers grow into confident, determined adults—IF we can guide them without breaking their spirit.
When your toddler appears to ignore you completely while dismantling the bookshelf for the fifth time (today), what they're actually seeking is autonomy, clear limits, and connection with you. When all three are honored and balanced, it helps your SWK feel safe and secure.
The key to communicating effectively isn't waiting for them to develop more words—it's adapting how you connect with them now.
Inside the Conscious Mommy Community, we host a monthly Strong-Willed Kids Parent Meetup. Join us the first Wednesday of every month, where we cover practical strategies for communicating effectively with strong-willed children at every stage—especially during those challenging pre-verbal years.
You can learn to speak your strong-willed toddler's language before they can even form a sentence. Here’s how…
Recognizing the Strong-Willed Toddler: Key Characteristics
Before diving into communication strategies, it helps to understand if you're truly parenting a strong-willed child. While all toddlers explore independence, the willful toddler displays distinct characteristics that set them apart. Taking a strong-willed child quiz online may confirm what you already suspect: what you’re managing is harder than the typical parenting experience.
Signs of a Strong-Willed Toddler
If you're feeling frustrated and wondering, "Is my toddler truly strong-willed or just going through a phase?" consider these signs:
Consistent boundary testing: Strong-willed toddlers don't just push boundaries occasionally—they do it repeatedly, systematically, and with remarkable persistence. Where other children might test a limit once or twice and accept the outcome, a strong-willed child views "no" as merely the beginning of negotiations. This isn't defiance for its own sake; they're genuinely driven to understand exactly where the boundaries lie and why they exist.
Remarkable persistence: When a strong-willed child wants something, giving up isn't in their vocabulary. This persistence manifests in both positive ways (working on a puzzle until it's complete despite frustration) and challenging ways (asking for the same cookie already denied fifteen different times, from fifteen different angles).
Intense fascination: Strong-willed children often show unusual fascination with objects or activities that most children overlook. A strong-willed 2-year-old might spend 45 minutes examining how a door hinge works or become completely absorbed in watching the washing machine spin. This intense focus is a hallmark of the strong-willed child's capacity for deep engagement.
Additional Common Characteristics
- Powerful emotional responses: Their highs are extremely high, and their lows are extremely low.
- Significant resistance to transitions: Moving from one activity to another often triggers major meltdowns. They may also be extremely slow (classic dawdlers) in getting from point A to point B, neglecting any sense of urgency whatsoever.
- Difficulty with peer cooperation: They may struggle to play well with others their age.
- Heightened sensory responses: Often easily overwhelmed by excess (or not enough) stimulation.
- History as a challenging infant: Many strong-willed children were difficult to soothe as babies.
A strong will isn't a personal attack—it's an inherent disposition. If several of these points sound familiar, you may be raising a willful toddler. While this presents unique challenges, remember that strong-willed children often become the most innovative, determined adults—when parented with understanding and respect.
Why Traditional Communication Approaches Fall Short
Conventional parenting advice often backfires spectacularly with strong-willed children. What works for other kids may actually intensify power struggles with determined little ones.
The Unique Psychology of Strong-Willed Toddlers
Understanding strong-willed child psychology is essential for effective parenting. The mental and emotional makeup of these children differs in several important ways:
Heightened need for autonomy: Strong-willed toddlers have an unusually powerful drive for independence. This isn't just a preference—it's a fundamental need that shapes their interactions with the world. When they feel their autonomy threatened, resistance isn't just likely—it's guaranteed. Their brain seeks personal control over their environment, even before they have the verbal skills to express this need.
Different response to authority: Where some children naturally defer to parental authority, strong-willed children question why they should listen, even before they can verbalize this question. They have an innate skepticism about following directions simply "because I said so." This isn't disrespect—it's their natural inclination to understand the why behind requests.
Emotional Processing in Strong-Willed Toddlers
Intense emotional experiences: Strong-willed children experience emotions more powerfully, making emotional regulation particularly challenging in the toddler years. What feels like mild disappointment to another child might feel like a devastating loss to a strong-willed toddler. This intensity isn't manipulation—it's their genuine experience.
Need for meaningful connection: Though it may not always seem like it, strong-willed children actually need deeper connection before cooperating, not after. This is perhaps the most counterintuitive aspect of raising a strong-willed child. When they're at their most oppositional, they're often seeking connection rather than separation.
Understanding these differences helps explain why a strong-willed child seems to do the exact opposite of what's asked. It's not personal—it's their unique wiring at work.
4 Essential Strategies for Pre-Verbal Communication
When parenting a strong-willed toddler, the key is found in your ability to adapt. These children need different approaches that honor their intense need for autonomy while still maintaining necessary boundaries. Communicating with babies and toddlers who haven't yet developed verbal skills requires special techniques, particularly for the willful child.
1. How You Say It Matters: Non-Verbal Communication
Your non-verbal communication speaks volumes to your pre-verbal toddler. Strong-willed children are remarkably perceptive to tone, facial expressions, and body language. When dealing with a strong-willed toddler, these non-verbal elements become even more critical.
When communicating with babies and toddlers who aren't yet verbal, body language becomes the primary communication tool. Strong-willed toddlers read facial expressions, tone, and physical posture with remarkable accuracy. They may not understand every word, but they certainly understand how it's being said.
Parents often underestimate how much their own emotional state influences their strong-willed child's cooperation. If there's frustration or rushing, the toddler immediately detects this tension—and often responds with increased resistance.
Practical Applications for Non-Verbal Communication
- Save your serious tone and your serious face for genuinely important matters like safety concerns.
- For everyday directions, maintain a light, positive demeanor with a genuine smile.
- Get down to your child's physical level for important discussions. Eye level is best.
- Use animated expressions to emphasize key information about your plan, any limits, and what they can expect (especially if transitions, new places, or overstimulating environments are involved).
When a 19-month-old won't listen to "no," check your delivery first. If your body and tone are tense and frustrated, your kid is likely pushing back on that (not necessarily the request or limit you’ve stated). Strong-willed children often mirror and amplify your emotional states.
2. What You Say Matters (Even Before They Speak)
The specific words chosen impact a strong-willed toddler's response, even when they aren't speaking yet themselves. They understand far more than they can express.
Many parents wonder how to get a stubborn 2-year-old to listen instead of doing the exact opposite. The answer often lies in word choice and phrasing. Strong-willed toddlers may have a limited vocabulary, but remember: a toddler’s receptive language (what they understand) typically develops much earlier than their expressive language (what they can say). On average, toddlers can understand 100% of what you say by around 24 months, even though most are just beginning to use 2-3 word sentences at that time, and have 50-100 words in their vocabulary.
Effective Word Choices and Phrases
- Reserve "no" for genuine safety concerns only
- Tell your child what they CAN do much more than what they CAN’T
- Offer no more than 2 choices to provide autonomy within boundaries
- Use simple, consistent phrases for recurring situations
Examples of Positive Redirection
Instead of: "No spitting."
Try: "Keep the spit in your mouth. Or, you can spit outside in the grass. Your choice."
Instead of: "No jumping on the couch!"
Try: "Sit criss-cross-applesauce on the couch. Or, both feet need to be on the floor for that jumping game, please."
And then give your child at least 5 seconds to process the instructions.
This approach acknowledges their need while redirecting the behavior in a positive way. Strong-willed children respond much better to knowing what they CAN do versus what they cannot.
3. Involve Them in Problem-Solving
Even before they're speaking in sentences, strong-willed toddlers can participate in simple problem-solving. This engagement satisfies their need for autonomy and builds early collaboration skills.
Practical Problem-Solving Approaches
- Say, “Show me your idea!" and have them lead you to their plan to solve whatever problem you’re facing
- Narrate observations: "I see you want to play, but it's bath time. Here’s how we can make this work. This toy works for the tub, let’s put it in there!"
- Create opportunities for them to demonstrate competence: “I’ve put this water cup and water jug on this low table for you. Now you can get your own water whenever you need it!”
- Acknowledge their perspective before suggesting alternatives: “I know you’re frustrated that I said no to that. Let’s find a safer way to play.”
When raising a strong-willed child, partnership matters more than compliance. The goal isn't blind obedience—it's teaching them how to work with others while maintaining their wonderful determination.
4. Give Time to Process
Strong-willed toddlers need more time to process directions, especially when engaged in something interesting. What looks like defiance is often just delayed processing.
Effective Processing Techniques
- Allow at least 5-7 seconds of processing time after giving a direction.
- Use counting as a processing tool, not a threat: "I'll count to three, then we need to move on."
- Provide advance warnings before transitions: lots of strong-willed kids need 20-minute, 10-minute, 5-minute, 2-minute, and 1-minute reminders to make a smooth and easy transition.
- Recognize that strong-willed children may need your physical assistance, even after fair warning.
When you give them a little time to fully process what you’ve said, you’ll see that your kid truly desires to work with you. Strong-willed children aren't ignoring your directions intentionally—their brains need time to shift gears.
Handling Specific Challenging Situations
Even with excellent communication strategies, certain situations consistently challenge parents of strong-willed toddlers. Here's how to navigate some common scenarios that arise when dealing with strong-willed toddler behavior.
Managing Transition Refusals
When a strong-willed child refuses to move during transitions, try:
- Giving a visual countdown (fingers or timer)
- Using play: "Would you like to walk to the car or shall I carry you like a sack of potatoes?"
- Acknowledging their feelings: "You're having fun and don't want to stop. It's hard to stop when you're enjoying something."
- Providing a transitional object they can bring to the next activity.
Overcoming Daily Task Battles
If you’re fighting over everyday tasks of living like getting dressed, eating, brushing teeth, or bathing, try building consistent routines with visual support. Picture schedules can transform combative situations into cooperative ones, and the predictability of the routine often removes much of the friction. The hardest part is consistency, so choose something that feels sustainable enough for you to keep at it every day.
Whenever possible, allow choices within acceptable parameters. “Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the race car shirt today?” or “We have fruit on the menu for breakfast today. What sounds good – strawberries or bananas?” You’re still captain of the boat, you’re just allowing them to decide which islands they want to visit first.
Playfulness will always win over demands when you’re trying to diffuse tension. Remember: connect before you direct.
The Balance Between Boundaries and Autonomy
Parenting the strong-willed child requires finding the delicate balance between setting necessary boundaries and honoring their need for autonomy. For the extremely stubborn and sometimes “hard to deal with” child, positive discipline approaches work particularly well with these determined little people.
Setting Boundaries Without Breaking Their Spirit
Strong-willed children need clear, consistent boundaries—perhaps more than other children. However, how those boundaries are communicated makes all the difference. The goal when raising a strong-willed daughter or son is to guide them without diminishing their powerful spirit.
Effective Boundary-Setting Techniques
- Focus on safety and your family values
- Use natural and logical consequences
- Maintain connection
- Preserve their dignity by avoiding labels like “bad” or “naughty”
- Provide acceptable alternatives for behavior
When a very strong-willed child tests limits, remember that they're gathering information about how the world works. Consistent, kind responses teach them how to channel their determination positively and productively.
Positive Discipline Approaches That Work
Conscious parenting and positive discipline frameworks align well with the needs of strong-willed children. When you’re feeling the “my strong-willed child is driving me crazy!” feeling (and rest assured – it can be a common feeling for parents) these approaches can transform power struggles into cooperation:
- Recognize misbehavior as missing skills or unmet needs: Are they hungry? Are they tired? I teach you about your child’s 7 most important needs in my book, Parent Yourself First, and how to demystify their behavior and meet their needs reliably and predictably.
- Focus on teaching rather than punishing: Rather than, “Don’t you dare run through the house or you’ll get a time out!” Instead, “We use walking feet when we play indoors, like this…” and then show them how you move your feet.
- Prioritize connection before correction.
- Value their cooperation and collaboration over immediate compliance.
- Honor your child's perspective while maintaining necessary boundaries.
Shifting to these approaches often helps things feel lighter, smoother, and a little easier in the home. The strong-willed nature doesn't disappear, but the constant battles can be more productively managed.
The Long View: What Strong-Willed Toddlers Become
On difficult days, remember that the very traits making a toddler challenging now—persistence, questioning, determination—are valuable adult characteristics when properly channeled. When parenting the strong-willed child, maintaining this perspective helps during the most challenging moments.
Future Strengths of Strong-Willed Children
How do your strong-willed children turn out as they grow up? Research on outcomes for strong-willed children is actually quite encouraging. Studies tracking children from early childhood through adulthood show that many traits we find challenging in toddlerhood correlate with positive outcomes later in life.
Strong-willed children often become:
Innovative problem-solvers: That toddler who refused to accept solutions and insisted on finding their own way? This independent thinking often develops into strong creative problem-solving abilities.
Natural leaders: The same child who questioned authority at the tender age of three often grows into someone willing to challenge ineffective systems and lead change initiatives.
Independent thinkers: In a world that often rewards conformity, a strong-willed child's natural tendency to question rather than automatically comply becomes a significant advantage.
Resilient individuals: The persistence that exhausts parents now—trying the same thing fifteen different ways despite repeated failure—builds extraordinary resilience.
Self-motivated achievers: Unlike peers who may require external incentives to pursue goals, strong-willed children often develop a persevering internal drive.
The determination that makes them challenge everything now will help them challenge unfair treatment as adults. The job isn't to break this will but to help them learn to use it wisely.
Moving Forward Together: Parenting the Strong-Willed Child
Communicating effectively with a pre-verbal strong-willed toddler requires patience, creativity, and a willingness to adapt approaches. When raising the strong-willed child, on the hardest days, remember:
- Their strong will is a gift, not a flaw.
- Connection matters more than instant compliance.
- The challenging toddler years lay the foundation for future confidence.
- Small adjustments in communication can create significant improvements.
For valuable support in parenting your strong-willed children, check out my book, Parent Yourself First. You may find “Chapter 6: Demystifying Your Child’s Behavior” particularly helpful when feeling overwhelmed by your strong-willed toddler's intensity.
By meeting strong-willed toddlers where they are—even before they have the words to fully express themselves—you will build the trust and connection needed that will carry them through the years to come.
Inside the Conscious Mommy Community, we host a monthly Strong-Willed Kids Parent Meetup. Join us the first Wednesday of every month, where we cover practical strategies for communicating effectively with strong-willed children at every stage—especially during those challenging pre-verbal years.
Never miss a new post. Sign up for the Conscious Connection and get our newsletter delivered to your inbox every week, as well.
Relevant Resources:
🔗 The Emotional Life of Your Toddler Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
