The morning started normally enough.
You planned a special breakfast. Set out their favorite cup. Even woke up early to avoid the usual rush.
But then: You said no to the iPad. Rushed them through getting dressed. Snapped about the forgotten backpack. Hurried them into the car. Got frustrated at the dawdling.
By school drop-off, something feels off. Their little shoulders are slumped. The goodbye hug is quick and mechanical. And your heart feels heavy.
I’ve been there. We’ve all been there.
Let’s not wallow in the guilt. Doing so doesn’t serve us.
Instead, let’s figure out: What happened? And what can we do about these moments?
Think of your relationship with your child like a bank account.
Every positive interaction is a deposit. Actions like high fives, back rubs, compliments, or even just pausing and giving your child your full attention fill your child’s emotional bank.
Every negative moment is a withdrawal. Threats, taking away precious items, time-outs, or ignoring your child’s call for attention empty your child’s emotional bank.
Some days, we make withdrawal after withdrawal without realizing it, until suddenly - the account feels empty.
But here's what nobody tells you about your child's emotional bank account: it's not about keeping a perfect balance. It's about understanding the true currency of connection, and how to invest more than you withdraw. That’s what I discuss in depth inside the Conscious Mommy Community. Debits and Deposits: Your Child's Emotional Bank Account teaches you how to keep your connection strong, even on the hardest days. Come to class!
The secret to keeping your child’s emotional bank account full lies in knowing which deposits matter most.
Understanding Your Child's Emotional Bank Account
Just like a financial account, your child's emotional bank account needs regular deposits to stay healthy. But unlike money, emotional currency works in mysterious ways. A single genuine moment of connection can be worth more than hours of surface-level interaction.
The True Currency of Connection
When your child's emotional bank account is full, they're more resilient. More cooperative. Able to handle life's challenges better. Expect more joyfulness, more playfulness, less sibling rivalry, and overall, a more peaceful tone to your home. (But keep your expectations level - keeping kids emotionally full does not prevent misunderstandings, frustrations, or anything related to the less pleasant aspects of being human.)
But when the account runs low, even small setbacks can trigger big reactions. In my practice as a child psychotherapist, I see more aggression, defiance, emotional outbursts, rigidity, and difficulty with following routines when a child’s emotional bank account runs short. Keep in mind that strong-willed kids’ often have a bank account that depletes a bit faster than children with a milder temperament.
Why Traditional Advice Falls Short
Many parenting books focus on behavior management - rewards, consequences, time-outs. But these approaches often make withdrawals from the emotional bank account. Even though they seem to "work" in the moment, children often are left feeling emptier, needier, and thus more demanding.
The Science of Emotional Deposits
Research shows that all humans - children included - need five or more positive interactions for every negative one to maintain healthy relationships. This isn't about being perfect and punishing ourselves for every “mistake” we make. It's about understanding the power of intentional connection, doing our best, and repairing the rest.
Making Deposits That Matter
Not all deposits carry the same value. A distracted "good job" while scrolling your phone deposits less than a moment of genuine eye contact and specific acknowledgment.
High-Value Deposits for Your Child's Emotional Bank Account
Present Moment Connection
When you put down your phone, get down to their level, and really listen - that's a major deposit. These moments tell your child they matter more than any distraction. When your kid feels seen, heard, and understood by you, they feel more safe and secure with you.
Repair After Rupture
We all make withdrawals. Many parents overvalue the cost of a debit while undervaluing the value of their deposits. Relationships without repair develop resentment. But relationships with repair develop intimacy and depth.
The key is learning to repair quickly. (I hosted a full-length workshop, The Power of Repair, inside the Conscious Mommy Community, where you can learn the art of repairing effectively with your kids.) A sincere apology and moment of reconnection can actually strengthen your relationship, making an even bigger deposit than if the rupture hadn't occurred.
Quality Time on Their Terms
Spending time doing what they love, the way they want to do it, makes significant deposits. This might mean:
- Playing pretend exactly as they direct
- Reading their favorite book for the hundredth time
- Simply watching them play without trying to teach or guide
Understanding Withdrawals
The Subtle Drains
Some withdrawals are obvious - yelling, harsh words, punishments. But others are sneakier:
- Distracted responses
- Rushed transitions
- Dismissed emotions
- Conditional connection
The Impact of Daily Withdrawals
In my book "Parent Yourself First," I dedicate an entire chapter to understanding how our own emotional state affects the way we deposit (or debit) with our children. When we're depleted, we tend to make more withdrawals without realizing it. Please be easy on yourself when this happens. It usually means that your needs aren’t being attended to. When you focus on getting your needs met more reliably, you’ll show up differently with your kids.
Building Your Child’s Emotional Bank Account
Morning Deposits
Start each day with intentional connection. This creates a buffer for inevitable withdrawals:
- Take five minutes for a morning snuggle
- Share a special breakfast moment
- Create a special goodbye ritual
Transition Time Banking
Transitions often trigger withdrawals. Plan ahead with emotional deposits:
- Give extra time for transitions
- Offer connection before correction
- Prepare your child by discussing the plan before you do it to increase their participation
Evening Investments
End the day with reliable deposits:
- Say one thing you love about each of your children
- Talk about your highs and your lows together
- Create a consistent bedtime connection ritual. (At the current moment, we love reading books and listening to Mister Roger’s Bedtime album.)
When the Account Feels Empty
Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we find ourselves in relationship debt. Signs include:
- Increased power struggles
- Emotional distance
- More frequent meltdowns
- Behavioral challenges
The Path to Rebuilding
Start with small, consistent deposits:
- Focus on connection before correction
- Look for opportunities to say yes
- Create special one-on-one time
- Catch them being “good” by noticing and naming what's going right
Moving Forward with Intention
Remember: Your child's emotional bank account isn't about keeping them so full that they never have a problem. It's about learning how to ebb and flow with the natural ups and downs we face when we’re sharing intimate, connected relationships with others. Every parent makes withdrawals, and repair is the salve that heals whatever pain the debit delivers. Your goal is to make regular meaningful deposits and repair when necessary. No guilt or perfection required.
Start today. Notice one opportunity for connection. Make one intentional deposit. Watch how it changes both your child's behavior and your relationship.
Your Next Steps
Look for everyday moments to make deposits: During meals, in the car, at bedtime, during play. In my book Parent Yourself First, I share how understanding your own emotional patterns can help you make better deposits in your child's emotional bank account)
Remember, these deposits compound over time, creating a reservoir of connection that sustains your relationship through challenging moments. You can trust that.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 How to Be a More Playful Parent: Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘 Parent Yourself First: In stores now! Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now. Available now wherever books are sold.
