How many times have you caught yourself nodding along to your kid while your mind wanders to the endless mental to-do list?
Sometimes, at the end of a long day, my listening ears pack their bags and check out completely. My brain spins between reviewing the day's events, and planning for tomorrow’s.
I'm there, but I'm not *really* there.
The other day, sitting in traffic, I glanced over and saw a little boy in the car next to me. He was waving his arms wildly, his whole body animated. I knew exactly what was happening—he was telling his mom a story. My kids do the same thing; they talk with their whole bodies. (In fairness, they get that from me and my Italian genes).
Then I noticed the mother’s face—her eyes glazed over in that all-too-familiar way. And in that moment, it hit me: we’re all navigating this, aren’t we?
We all tune out our kids sometimes.
Because staying present and engaged with our kids is tough. Really tough. And if your kid happens to be a strong-willed kid, I see you. (We have a monthly Strong Willed Kids LIVE meetup in the Conscious Mommy Community. Join us here.)
There's something powerful happening in a child's brain when they feel truly heard. And contrary to what we might think, staying present doesn't require more energy or perfect parenting. What we're missing isn't time or capacity - it's understanding what's actually happening in these moments of disconnect, and how one small shift can transform them entirely.
Understanding the Impact of Half-Listening
Think back to the last time someone made you feel truly heard. Not just nodded along, but really understood what you were saying. That feeling of being valued, of mattering – this is what our children seek in every interaction.
When we're physically present but mentally elsewhere, our children's developing minds absorb more than just our distraction. They internalize messages about their worth in relation to everything else competing for our attention.
What's fascinating is that children as young as three demonstrate markedly different behaviors when they experience genuine listening versus automated responses. Their language skills develop differently. Their emotional regulation capabilities shift. Even their social confidence evolves based on these early experiences of feeling ‘tuned into’ by a parent.
Breaking Down the Barriers to Active Listening
There are a number of real-life issues that get in the way of our ability to stay present with our kids. It’s important that we’re honest while still being gentle with ourselves. Self-compassion, rather than self-critique, will allow you to face each barrier with less resistance and more grace.
The Mental Load
It's not just about distractions – it's about the constant mental gymnastics of parenting. The to-do lists. The scheduling. The worry about that thing we might have forgotten. Being the “Knower of All Things” is more than a full-time job. It can be completely consuming to be in charge of the what, when, where, who, and how…every day…with no end in sight.
The Energy Equation
By the time we get those precious moments with our children, we're often running on empty. Traditional advice about "being present" feels impossible when we're depleted. Most parents I work with forget to pour into their own cups, especially those whose support village is pretty minimal. The Surgeon General released a report in 2024 stating that parenting is bad for our mental health. And from the looks of my clinical practice - and my own personal experiences parenting two children - I have to agree. Sometimes, it takes everything in us just to heat up some Mac and cheese, do the bedtime routine, and crash at the end of the night.
The Guilt Cycle
Most parents I know carry the heavy weight of guilt. We feel guilty about not listening, which makes us less present, which creates more guilt. Guilt is usually a sign that our expectations are far too high, especially when there isn’t any specific wrongdoing. As the saying goes, your expectations are the root of your suffering. It's time to break this cycle of guilt and keep our expectations realistic.
Real Tools That Actually Work
The secret to transforming these distracted, glazed-over, not-fully-there moments isn't about having more energy or time. It's about understanding how to use what we already have more efficiently. In the age of intensive, over-parenting, there’s a secret I need you to know: less is more. The goal isn't perfect attention – it's meaningful connection. I talk all about building present, intentional relationships with our kids in my book, Parent Yourself First. Here's how to make presence more sustainable:
- Set a Timer: Only you can know how much you may have available to give at any given moment. Get in the habit of telling your kid, “I have about 5 minutes of brain power to be fully present to your story (your play, your question, etc). Afterwards, I need to take a brain break and recharge.” Then, follow through. Don’t do two things at once if you’ve promised your kid 5 undistracted minutes. They will feel energized by you being fully in the here-and-now with them. Plus, doing this consistently will build trust between the two of you.
- Focus On Their Hands: One of the most helpful things you can do when you feel your mind wandering is to focus on what you see your child doing with their hands. What are they touching or holding? If your kid is coloring or pounding some playdough, pick up a crayon or pop open a can and get to work. Doing what they’re doing alongside them is a great way to share in present, connected time together. Additionally, focus on their eyes: what are they looking at? Take interest in what they’re observing. Not only will it help you feel more present, but it will tell your child, “I like what you like.” When parents are invested in the things that kids find interesting, it makes kids feel important to their grown-ups.
- Tend To Your Need First: Let’s be real: being present with children becomes substantially more difficult when you have a competing need. It’s okay to honor that. Communicate well with your kiddos: “I want to hear about it, but first, I need to get a drink and use the restroom. Can you hold your thought for 5 minutes, then I’ll be ready for you?” Your children will appreciate your honesty, even if they have a hard time waiting for you to be ready for them. This would be a good frustration tolerance building exercise for kiddos who can be demanding of your time and presence. Offer them a hug, tell them you’ll be right there, and once you’re back, be fully available. (And set the timer if you need to.)
- Reflect Back What You Hear Them Say: Sometimes, we just need to rev the engine a little to get the motor moving. Rather than, “Mmm hmmm” and, “Oh that’s nice,” and, “Uh huh…” while your child tries to engage with you, try repeating back what you’ve heard them say. For example, your kid says, “I played kickball with a new kid today during recess.” You can reply, “You played with a new kid today. That’s interesting. I’m listening.” Reflecting back signals to your kid that you care about what they have to say. It also opens the door to more back-and-forth conversations, allowing you both to feel authentically connected in simple, everyday moments.
- Practice Self-Compassion When You Miss the Mark: Inevitably, there will be moments where you just aren’t mentally and emotionally present. You may agree to play with your kid, and then find yourself scrolling your phone, half listening, or just feeling genuinely disinterested. And, your kid might notice and take offense. Don’t get defensive with your kiddo. Tell them, “You’re right. I said I would be here, in this moment with you, and I’m really struggling with following through on that.”
More importantly, don’t beat yourself up. Being critical and judgmental of yourself won’t make you more present - instead, it will send you into an anxious spiral (i.e.: “What if I damage my kid forever?) or a depressive dip (i.e.: “I’m a failure and everyone knows it.”)
The best thing you can do is to place your hand on your heart and speak the truth: “I can’t do this right now. I just don’t have it in me.”
Repair with your kid: “I’m sorry love, but my brain and body need something else. I’m having a hard time focusing on just you, and I know that you feel hurt by that.”
Then, make a plan to get your needs met and reconnect with your kid: “I need 30 minutes to walk and clear my head. Then, I’ll be ready to read another chapter of our book together. How does that plan sound?”
This approach teaches your child that sometimes we walk back our commitments if we’re overcommitted, and we take great care not to cause harm in the process. When kids see their parents honor these innate needs (rather than react to them by yelling, screaming, or punishing), kids learn to give themselves permission to be human…and to have grace with others.
The Ripple Effect
When children experience being truly heard, the impact extends far beyond the moment of listening. Early childhood development research shows that kids who consistently feel listened to develop stronger emotional intelligence and listening skills of their own. Their self-esteem flourishes as they learn to trust their voice and express their feelings effectively.
In the classroom, these children often demonstrate better focus and listening comprehension, while at home, they're more likely to practice active listening with siblings and peers. Perhaps most importantly, they carry these communication patterns forward, building healthier relationships throughout their lives. The simple act of authentic listening doesn't just shape today's conversation - it shapes how your child will listen, connect, and communicate for years to come.
Remember: Your child doesn't need you to be perfectly present. They need to know that when you're listening, you're really there. And that when you're not, you're honest about it and willing to try again.
Start today with one conversation. One moment of true presence. Watch what happens when you shift from half-listening to heart-listening. The transformation might surprise you both.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Mindful Communication: Active Listening and Validation. Active listening is a foundational skill that helps build authentic connection and understanding between you and your child. Learn the 3 basic techniques to increase your connection with your child. Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘 Parent Yourself First is available in stores now! Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. This fresh, no-nonsense parenting book shows you how to become a great parent (even if you didn’t have one yourself). Available Here
