"I'm trying so hard to respond mindfully to our toddler's tantrums," a mom in my recent workshop shared through tears, "but my husband just tells him to 'man up' and stop crying. I feel like we're damaging our son, and I don't know what to do."
That knot in your stomach when your partner handles a situation completely differently than you would.
The frustration of watching them roll their eyes at gentle parenting techniques.
The guilt when your children get mixed messages.
As a family therapist and conscious parenting expert, this is the number one challenge I hear in my practice. And it makes sense – we often unconsciously choose partners who represent something from our past, then find ourselves stuck between those old patterns and the new paths we're trying to create.
After years of working with families, I've seen how our own childhood experiences profoundly shape our parenting approaches – and our conflicts. I go deep into this complex dance between past and present in my new book "Parent Yourself First" (out on January 28th—preorder here!).
So, Why Do We Clash in Our Parenting Styles?
Here's what I've learned from working with thousands of families: When one partner embraces conscious parenting while the other remains rooted in traditional approaches, it's like trying to dance to different songs. You step forward, they step back, and nobody feels in sync.
This disconnect impacts more than just your relationship – it affects your children's emotional wellbeing, their sense of security, and their future relationship patterns.
But there's hope. I've witnessed countless couples transform their parenting dynamic with the right understanding and tools.
The Hidden Impact of Different Parenting Styles
When partners disagree about parenting approaches, it's rarely just about the immediate situation. These conflicts often reveal deeper patterns in our family dynamics that have been passed down through generations.
The most challenging part?
We're usually trying to break cycles we ourselves experienced in childhood, while our partner might be firmly rooted in different family traditions and values. So, how do we work through this?
3 Steps to Get More Aligned
Please be patient with yourself and your partner. These steps require your nurturance, time, and attention, but they can transform your family dynamics.
1. Do a Values Assessment Together
Sit down and discuss what you both truly desire in your family life.
Make independent lists and then look for common ground. Starting with shared values - instead of trying to convince each other to change - creates a strong foundation for team parenting.
What might these values include?
Think about emotional intelligence, empathy, consistent and loving discipline, playfulness, spiritual life, or creating financial stability. You might be surprised to discover how much common ground exists beneath surface disagreements.
2. Examine What's Getting in Your Way
What really prevents us from living our values?
Often it's not philosophical disagreements but practical challenges:
- Stress
- Exhaustion
- Unresolved emotional wounds
- Ineffective communication patterns
Most couples I work with know there's a disconnect between them, but they avoid addressing it because they're afraid of difficult conversations.
Here's the truth: having those hard conversations is exactly what brings partners closer together.
3. Create a Practical Path Forward
If poor communication is disrupting your shared values of emotional intelligence and consistent discipline, set aside time every evening for heart-centered conversation and reflective listening.
Partners who commit to small, consistent efforts often see the biggest transformations.
Start with one barrier at a time:
- Agree on bedtime routines
- Develop shared responses to tantrums
- Create consistent mealtime expectations
Build confidence in your partnership through these smaller victories before tackling bigger challenges.
Remember This:
There's power in conscious co-parenting. Healthy family dynamics don't require perfect alignment - they require awareness, respect, and a willingness to grow together.
Your different parenting styles can actually offer your children a richer perspective on life, but only if you work together with understanding and compassion.
Our nature is to act out what we know, so it takes time and patience to unlearn past patterns and grow a better future together.
If your partner isn't fully on board yet, meet them where they are with empathy and grace.
Remember - you're built for this journey of growth together. You’ve got this!
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Relevant Resources:
- Aligning With Your Parent Partner: Learn the essential tools that foster effective communication and unite your parenting styles. You’ll learn knowing how to:
- Master the art of effective communication
- Build a unified parenting approach
- Navigate challenges with confidence
- Share the mental load of consciously raising children
Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
- Parent Yourself First: Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. Bryana dedicates an entire chapter to helping you build a unified approach to parenting with your parenting partner. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Learn More Here
