The other day, as I drove my youngest child to school, he dropped his favorite toy. His cries filled the car - familiar territory for any parent who’s been trapped in a metal box with a distressed child.
Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when your kid is falling apart and nothing seems to help?
That helpless feeling when you can’t “fix” what’s wrong?
There’s a lot of pressure on modern parents to use dozens of different techniques and strategies to get the kiddos to calm down.
We’re told the storm is bad and we need to minimize the storm as much as possible.
But here at Conscious Mommy, we don’t see the storm as something we should be trying to level off as quickly as possible.
Instead, we see that an important part of the work we do as parents is to be their buoy during the storm.
It’s like we’re saying: “Hey kiddo, I know this is rough right now. I’m with you. We’re in this. Together. Hold on to this buoy. I won’t let you sink. And I won’t drown with you.”
But instead of saying those exact words, our non-verbal cues are what deliver the message.
This is how you bring calm to their storm.
It’s not the breathing techniques or even getting them to name their emotions that’s important in these moments.
It’s staying present to the moment, and giving their body the security it needs to feel whatever needs to be felt by being an attuned force of co-regulation.
Co-regulation is when you stand in your boat and you toss out a buoy. You stay steady inside your boat, and the rope is strong enough to withstand whatever force comes against it. You offer comfort and affection as you watch your child find their way to the buoy. You prioritize listening while you pull them back into the safety of your boat, which has been minimally impacted by the storm you both just faced. Co-regulation is a primary concept that I teach throughout my book, PARENT YOURSELF FIRST.
Back to the morning that got me thinking about all of this…
In our car, despite the drop-off rush and endless traffic lights, I stayed present.
Believe me. That was hard to do. My son’s school is 3 miles away from our house and it sometimes takes me 30 minutes to get him there!
Instead, I remembered: be his buoy. So I said,
“Yes my love, you’re so disappointed you dropped your toy.”
He continued to cry until he was red in the face, “I want it! I want it!”
“I’m so sorry, my love, that it fell. What a bummer. I know you want it back so badly.”
His cries turned to whimpers.
Anxious me would have wanted to figure out how to reach back and get it for him without causing an accident.
But grounded- present-and-tuned-in-me knew: he just wanted someone to notice the yuck.
That was co-regulation in action. I was the anchor to his intensity. He felt seen, heard, and supported.
I didn’t join his chaos. Instead, I invited him into my calm.
It’s common to struggle to stay centered during your child’s big emotions if you’re missing the most important first step. Once you understand this step, everything – and I mean everything – about helping your child calm down becomes clearer and infinitely more doable. Here’s how…
The Missing Piece: How Parents Can Help Children Calm Down
When your child is overwhelmed by big emotions, it can feel like being caught in a storm. Your heart races, your shoulders tense, and everything inside you screams to make it stop. But here’s what nobody tells you: your internal state matters more than any calming “hack” you’ll ever learn.
Children need your emotional stability to anchor their own feelings. Without it, traditional calming strategies—like telling them to take deep breaths or trying to reason with them—can fall flat.
Why Co-Regulation Works
Co-regulation is about becoming a steady presence in your child’s emotional storm. It’s the equivalent of running alongside them as they learn to ride a bike. You’re not just explaining balance; you’re providing support until they can manage on their own.
When you stay calm during your child’s meltdown, you show them that it’s safe to feel big emotions and that they’re not alone in managing them. Over time, this process strengthens their brain’s ability to regulate stress independently.
How to Help Your Kid Calm Down in the Moment
When your child is upset, the first step is to pause and regulate your own emotions. Are you breathing deeply, or is your body tense? Before you can help your child, you need to calm yourself.
Next, validate your child’s feelings. If your child is crying because they lost their favorite toy, say something like, “I see how sad you are. That toy is really special to you.” Simple acknowledgments like this can diffuse emotional intensity.
Finally, offer your steady presence. Sometimes, just sitting close to your child and letting them cry is the most effective way to help them feel safe.
Calming Strategies for Kids
Every child is different, so their preferred calming techniques will vary. The most effective thing that you can do for a child of any age is to feel your feet on the ground and stay present when the storm hits. Yes, there may be other tools you can use in the moment to help your child’s thinking-brain come back online, so to speak, but the most important thing for you to remember is that what goes up, must come down. Eventually, the surge of emotions you’re witnessing will come back down again, with little active input from you other than your willingness to be attuned, compassionate, and present. Just knowing that you’re there with them…in the thick of it…helps your child feel safe and secure.
For toddlers, sensory activities like squeezing playdough, hugging a stuffed animal, or coloring may work wonders. Old fashioned stomping with crossed arms and letting out a great big roar can also be a very effective way that littles move disgruntled energy through (and out of) their bodies.
For older kids, calming strategies like journaling, listening to soft music, reading, or using a weighted blanket can help regulate their emotions. Lots of kids want to be held or rocked - let’s not underestimate the power of human-to-human physical connection when things feel overwhelming and scary. Some kids just want a little space - give it to them. Some kids just need a space to rage - give it to them, and help them find constructive ways to do so. If they need to scream, scream into a pillow. If they need to punch, strike the boxing bag. If they need to run, go take a lap together.
How to Calm an Angry Child
When your child is angry, focus on staying calm and patient. Anger can feel overwhelming for kids because they don’t yet have the tools to process it effectively. Use these steps:
1. Acknowledge the Anger: “I see you’re really angry right now. It makes sense, buddy.”
2. Stay Present Without Judgment: Talk about what you observe. “You’re stomping those big feelings out!” If your child’s behaviors are unproductive and need a container, respond with a clear limit and use a supportive tone: “Hitting is not the way to get those angry feelings out. Let’s move somewhere where you can be safe.”
3. On the “Come Down”, Talk About The Body: “What do you feel in your hands? In your belly? In your heart? In your head?” Get your kid to talk about the sensation of feeling: “Is it heavy? Hot? Sweaty? Does it move fast?” This step teaches your child mindful awareness. As time passes, they will begin to associate physical sensations of discomfort or distress with emotions. Rather than fighting them (which causes more suffering), they will learn the power of observing and noticing the sensations without judgment, allowing them to pass more easily. You can start this early: 4 years old and up. Keep your expectations reasonable: kids will need lots of practice to make mind-body awareness second nature.
How to Support Kids With Anxiety
Children with anxiety often need proactive strategies to help them feel grounded. Visual schedules, countdown timers, or a dedicated calm-down space can provide the structure they need. Grounding techniques, like asking your child to name one thing they can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste can redirect anxious thoughts and bring kiddos back into the present moment.
Remember: when we’re stuck in the past, depression flourishes. When we’re stuck in the future, anxiety grows. But when we’re in the here-and-now, neither depression nor anxiety can exist.
Deep Breaths and Self-Regulation
Deep breathing isn’t just a calming technique—it’s a scientifically proven way to reduce stress by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Teach your child to take deep breaths outside of difficult moments. For example, after school, rather than rushing to finish all of the tasks you have, create a mindfulness routine. Turn off all of the distractions in the home for a few minutes, sit in a circle together, put on calming music, and practice taking some deep breaths together. This is a great way not only to reset the tone of your home, but to teach your child’s nervous system how to manage their emotions and calm their body.
In real life, this looks like guiding your child through “balloon breathing,” where they pretend to blow up a balloon in their belly with slow, deep breaths. This is especially helpful for calming a hyperactive child or one experiencing sensory overwhelm.
Teaching Self-Regulation Over Time
Helping children calm down isn’t just about managing meltdowns—it’s about building lifelong emotional resilience. As parents, modeling self-regulation is key for our children’s emotional resilience. When you model your own calming strategies—like taking a deep breath when you’re frustrated, unclenching your jaw, feeling your feet on the floor, or even being with your uncomfortable emotions without judgment or a need to change them—you show your child how to handle their own big feelings and how to feel safe…even in vulnerable moments.
Remember This…
Helping your child calm down isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up consistently and authentically. By practicing co-regulation, you’re giving your child the tools they need to navigate their emotions and find calm, even in life’s most stressful moments.
Relevant Resources
🔗 How to Co-Regulate When Your Validation Isn't Landing
Gain practical tools and techniques to strengthen your connection with your child and bring more peace to your parenting, exclusively in the Conscious Mommy Community.
📘 Parent Yourself First: Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had.
Co-regulation is the powerful, two-way process of calming your child’s nervous system while they help soothe yours in return. Discover where the true power lies — order your copy, here.
