It's 3 AM and you're wide awake, mentally running through tomorrow's to-do list:
Pack lunch (no strawberries - they gave her a rash last time).
- Schedule the pediatrician appointment (but not Thursday - that's so-and-so’s birthday party).
- Order more detergent (the green one, not blue - sensitive skin).
- Email teacher about volunteer sign-up.
- Find soccer cleats before Saturday's game.
- Remember it's show-and-tell tomorrow at school...
While the rest of your household sleeps, your mind races with a thousand tiny details that keep your family's world turning. Whether you're sharing this load or carrying it alone, the weight feels the same and it can feel cumbersome to carry.
This is the mental load of motherhood - the invisible weight of remembering, planning, and managing everything for everyone.
It's exhausting. And sometimes it feels like you're the only one who notices all these moving pieces that need to be tracked, managed, and executed with precision.
If you're nodding along, feeling the weight of all those mental tabs open in your brain, you're in good company. Inside the Conscious Mommy Community I’ve joined Erica Djossa, CEO and founder of @Momwell and author of Releasing the Motherload to break down what the mental load of motherhood really means, why we get stuck in the cycle of perfection and expectations, and how to stay connected to what matters most. Come to class!
Here's the thing that nobody tells you about the mental load: it's not really about the tasks themselves. It's about the constant mental gymnastics of anticipating needs, preventing problems, and keeping all the plates spinning.
But there's a better way to carry this weight, and it starts with understanding what's really happening in your brain.
Understanding the Invisible Work of Motherhood
The mental load goes far beyond maintaining a calendar or managing a to-do list. It's the constant background processing happening in your mind, the endless anticipation of needs before they arise. It’s being the “Knower of All Things” and making the juggling appear effortless…kind of like a duck on the pond. Floating easily along on the surface, but paddling like hell to avoid sinking.
The Daily Mental Marathon
Your morning begins before you even open your eyes. You're already mapping out the day, considering potential obstacles, planning contingencies. Which child needs a permission slip? Who has an emotional presentation today that might require extra support? What backup plan do you need if the afternoon schedule shifts? What’s going on in your personal life? Will you make it to the gym? How can you cram in the final touches on that project that your boss has been up your butt about? The mental load doesn’t just involve your children - it involves every aspect of adulting in this achievement-oriented society we’re all expected to thrive in.
Beyond Task Management
Your invisible labor extends into every corner of family life. You're not just planning meals – you're tracking everyone's nutritional needs, monitoring eating habits, and finding the time to get the food cooked and on the table. (Which, let’s be honest, doesn’t always happen in our house. Sometimes I avoid the mental load of feeding everyone by DoorDashing and ignoring the receipts. Sometimes…we’re just surviving, right?)
The Working Mom's Double Shift
For working moms (as in, moms who work outside the home either for themselves or someone else), the mental load doubles as your work requirements compete with your parenting responsibilities. You're switching between presentation prep and permission slips, client meetings and carpool schedules, workplace dynamics and family dynamics.
The Myth of Work-Life Balance
The reality is, there's no clear line between work and home when you're carrying the mental load; emotional labor is still labor. Even in important meetings, part of your brain is processing the text from school about early dismissal or remembering to schedule that dental appointment during your lunch break.
The Glass Ball Theory
We’re not created to achieve “balance” in the hamster wheel that is modern-day parenting. Instead, I like to use the “glass ball theory”: at any given moment in time, we can realistically juggle 3 glass balls. If we try to add on more than 3 important tasks at a time, we’re bound to drop something.
Think of your glass balls as important tasks or responsibilities that you must do something about, because if you drop them, they will break. For example, in the morning, your glass balls might be getting breakfast on the table, getting kids ready and out the door, and making sure you get yourself a smoothie because you haven’t eaten since early evening the night before. Your presentation later is a rubber ball: there’s no use in allowing it to take up mental space first thing in the AM, because you’d probably drop another ball to make mental space for it. (My bet’s on you dropping the smoothie ball - we’re really good at ignoring our own needs when there are so many other needs that we feel compelled to attend to at once.)
You can drop the ‘presentation’ ball momentarily. It’s a rubber ball (in that moment), so let it bounce. Once you get to the office and you’ve poured yourself a cup of coffee, then you can bring the presentation front and center. Now, it’s a glass ball.
The Stay-at-Home Mom's Endless Day
Stay-at-home moms often face the expectation that being home means everything should run smoothly. The mental load here is particularly invisible – society sees the physical tasks but misses the complex mental choreography behind them. Stay at home moms often feel like they are drowning, while society cheers them on, “You’ve got this! You’re amazing!” There’s an incredible amount of stigma around SAHMs asking for help, as if needing support is an undesirable quality in a person.
The Pressure of Being "Just" at Home
Each day requires managing not just tasks, but emotions, development, and household operations. You're simultaneously CEO, emotional support system, professional chef, personal nurse, on-demand chauffeur, and logistics manager of your domestic domain. You’re not “just” at home. You’re running an entire operation in a society that actively undervalues the physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual effort that is required of such an endeavor.
Single Mom's Mental Marathon
For single moms, the mental load intensifies. Every decision, every plan, every detail rests solely on your shoulders. There's no one to pick up the slack when your mental energy flags. You’re the good cop and the bad cop, all at once. You’re the garbage can for everything your child needs to throw away, and yet you often feel a burden that it isn’t okay to dump when you need to.
Building Support Systems
Creating a network of support becomes crucial, both physical and emotional. This often looks like finding reliable childcare. Does your child’s school offer before and aftercare? Do they offer scholarships? Is there a local worship community that provides mom’s morning out? Is there a gym nearby that offers great childcare options? Actively seek spaces that provide physical relief of your childcare duties. All moms, but especially single moms, need a village.
This also looks like finding reliable emotional support care for yourself. There are online and in person support groups for single mothers - join one. Get a therapist to give you a reliable place to vent and release. Find a group of fellow single mothers and offer to support each other. Hold space for each other’s experiences. Make meals for each other. Get together in the evenings - let the kids play and share in fellowship with one another. Share a babysitter so you can enjoy your community without kids. Essentially, prioritize investing in your friendships, especially if you’re a single mom. By doing so, you’re going to rely less on your kids to meet your emotional needs, and you’ll feel more available to meet their’s.
The Physical Impact of Mental Labor
This constant mental processing takes a physical toll. Stress hormones surge. Sleep becomes elusive. Even when you're "relaxing," your mind is running background checks on tomorrow's needs. Your body keeps the score. When you listen better to what your body is telling you, you’ll reduce the weight of the mental load.
Signs Your Mental Load is Too Heavy
Your body often signals when the mental load becomes overwhelming:
- Tension anywhere in the body (head, neck, jaw, chest) keeps creeping up on you
- Digestive issues that flare with stress
- Sleep that's broken by mental checklists
- Anxiety that spikes during quiet moments
Breaking Free from the Default Parent Role
Society has conditioned women to believe they should naturally handle all family management. Little girls are told from the very beginning that they are more nurturing and more empathetic than their brothers. They are shaped to be the caretakers, expected to do more chores (and are paid less for doing them) and are given the task of carrying on family legacies and traditions (i.e.: holidays, birthday expectations). Breaking free from the mental load starts with recognizing that this ‘default parent’ pattern isn't natural – it's learned.
Men are just as capable of stepping up to bat. (Trust me, I’ve seen it in my practice and in my own personal life.) But women have to let them take the pitch and swing…even if they miss. Even if they strike out. After all, parenting is really just a never ending game of trial and error. Everyone deserves the chance to keep stepping up to the plate and taking a swing. When we unconsciously subscribe to the traditional gender roles because we think this is what society expects of us, everyone ends up feeling limited (even the kids).
Change begins with honest conversations about the mental load. This isn't about assigning blame; it's about creating awareness and reshaping your family dynamics to suit what you envision for your family (rather than what society expects of your family).
Creating Sustainable Systems
Start with Self-Care Foundations
Before implementing any system, establish your basic needs:
Ground yourself daily. Take three deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed. Feel your feet on the floor. These micro-moments of presence can interrupt the spiral of mental chatter.
Move your body. Whether it's a morning walk or dancing while cooking dinner, physical movement helps process mental stress.
Connect with others. Call that friend who gets it. Text the parent from school you've been meaning to connect with. Human connection eases the weight of carrying everything alone.
Conduct a Weekly State of the Union
Schedule short, weekly check-ins with everyone in your family participating, starting at around 5 years old and up. Center this meeting around a boardgame or a card game to keep the children engaged in the process. Use this time to discuss household responsibilities, personal grievances, and share compliments with one another. You can even choose a skill to work on, like expressing our anger through feeling words rather than physically or by blaming.
Finding Professional Support
When to Seek Help
Sometimes the mental load becomes too heavy to manage alone. Therapy can provide valuable tools for:
- Setting sustainable boundaries
- Processing emotional weight
- Developing coping strategies
- Restructuring family dynamics
Moving Forward with Purpose
Remember this: The invisible load of motherhood is real, but it's not unchangeable. Small shifts in how we carry this invisible work can lead to meaningful change.
Start with one area. Release one responsibility. Share one mental task. Each small step creates space for breath, for presence, for joy in the midst of motherhood's beautiful chaos.
The goal isn't to eliminate the mental load entirely – it's to carry it more sustainably, with support, understanding, and grace for yourself along the way.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Managing Triggers and Reducing Guilt: Pause your day and let go of that load. This class teaches you how to ground, calm, and feel lighter. Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now! Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now. Available Now!
